With my kids back in school this week for the first time in six months, I am currently savoring my first moments of tranquility.
No fighting, no snack requests and no Sponge Bob Square Pants blaring in the background- I am on cloud… f*king… nine!
My God how my soul needs quiet.
My God how I am not cut out to teach small children.
My God how incredibly certain I am that I need to miss my boys, preferably for a few hours daily, to show up more fully for them.
It truly takes a village, my friends. Or in my depression-prone reality it does at least.
Ironically, in one of the last personal posts I shared before the world as we knew it came crashing down, I declared that very fact: admitting that I was not the stay-at-home mother type, and publicly making peace with my maternal short-comings.
Fast forward to the present day, and it is painfully clear that, for half of a year now, I have been living in absolute survival mode- considering each day not spent in a mental institution to be quite the success.
Rolling my eyes at the homeschooling success stories,the quarantine fitness queens and all of the post-crisis lifestyle revelations being shared by other friends and bloggers, I find myself feeling like a failure of a parent and a failure of a “spiritual” person (not to mention five pounds heavier from my newfound sugar and vodka habit).
Where is my revelation…my lesson…my silver lining from all of this mess???
Truth be told, before the unthinkable happened, I considered my life to be on an upward trend.
Coming out of the fog of my postpartum depression and gaining a bit of my individuality and freedom back now that my kids are a little older, to me, this forced lifestyle reset has felt like nothing more than an unwelcome digression…a betrayal of sorts.
While I am definitely relieved by the hint of normalcy I am feeling today with schools reopened, I am doing my best to stay emotionally detached as it is impossible to know just how long this routine will last .
And so …I am taking it day by day.
For months, I have tried to spiritually bypass my way out of this funk, but nothing seems to do the trick.
I have prayed for clarity and my silver lining to be revealed, but I am still lost in the wilderness of confusion and uncertainty.
All of that being said, I know deep down in my heart that life was not designed to be a constant struggle.
In the core of my being, I know I am a powerful co-creator- if I can believe it, I can f*king achieve it!
From all of the struggles in my past, I know that the further I am pulled into the darkness, the further I will be catapulted into the light.
I will design the life of my dreams, and this brief inconvenience will not stop me.
For any of you feeling like a hopeless failure during such trying times, I am here to let you know that you are not alone….I am right there with you.
Know that, contrary to what you may be seeing in your social media feed, not everyone has come out of this lifestyle disruption as a newfound fitness queen, gardening master or homeschool teacher-of-the-year.
It’s okay to be pissed….it’s okay to be sad…..it’s okay to be bitter.
Process it, sit with it, and ask God/the Universe/Angels, to help you see things differently.
No matter how bad things may have been the day before, when you wake each morning, expect to see your silver lining…your revelation..your miracle. Be receptive to synchronicities and evidence that things are turning in your favor each step of the way.
No matter how it looks right now, you always have the choice to see things differently. To trust that blessings exists right on the other side of your despair.
Without the discomfort of contrast, one could never fully appreciation the elation of joy and clarity.
It is on its way!
Now get out there and design some good vibes along with a fabulous life.