Hey ya’ll. I am so excited to officially announce the arrival of my baby boy and share some photos from his newborn session with my friend Jacky Kaye! I am also coming clean about some struggles I faced recently.
Baby Rivers is almost three weeks old now, and I am thoroughly enjoying my “maternity leave”. I am also so relieved to no longer be pregnant.
You see, during this pregnancy, out of shame, I kept a deep, dark secret…..I was struggling with depression and anxiety.
In fact, when I started this blog back in late October, it was largely motivated by my need to channel negative energy into something productive and distract myself from the fact that I was pregnant and emotionally, or perhaps hormonally, a bit messed up.
Antepartum depression is no joke, folks. Given the fact you are pregnant and serving as an incubator for your unborn child, it is challenging to treat with medical intervention. Throw in the guilt for feeling such “inappropriate” emotions at what should be such a joyous time, and my depression was only compounded.
The strange fact of the matter is that Rivers was not an “oops” baby. We weren’t actively trying to conceive, but we weren’t “not trying” either.
I remember being super excited when I saw the faint positive on my pregnancy test. Then, over the course of a few weeks, something went awry….
I became sad and withdrawn from the world. I kept waiting for that rush of excitement to rescue me from my depression, but it never came. Unlike my first pregnancy, I never felt “connected” to my baby and was, in fact, terrified of how a second child would change my life. I doubted that I possessed the capacity to love another child as much as I loved my first. It then became a vicious cycle of guilt and depression.
Through exercise, prayer, Vitamin-B IV therapy (administered under a doctor’s supervision) and this blog, I was able to somewhat manage my dirty little secret yet it lingered the full duration of my pregnancy.
But the most beautiful thing happened when I held Rivers for the first time….an enormous flood of love washed over me and I knew everything was going to be alright. Delivering my baby was a catharsis of sorts- the dark cloud had been lifted and I was overwhelmed with relief, joy and most importantly, love.
God has blessed me with two healthy, adorable boys and I could not be more thrilled. It is funny to think that I even questioned my ability to love a second child, and I am actually enjoying the newborn phase so much more the second time around.
I am more secure with my abilities as a mother. I know what works for ME and MY family, and don’t pay much mind to the opinions of others.
And yes, I have even had the pleasure of indulging in a few margaritas! I am relieved to say the cloud of depression has lifted and I am rocking this thing called parenthood. I cannot wait to resume all of my interior design and home improvement endeavors, but for now, I am savoring every delicious, and chaotic, moment of my life with a newborn and a two year old.
Now get out there and design some good vibes!! Much love to you all.