Newborn Photos and a Confession

May 3, 2016

Hey ya’ll. I am so excited to officially announce the arrival of my baby boy and share some photos from his newborn session with my friend Jacky Kaye! I am also coming clean about some struggles I faced recently.

Baby Rivers is almost three weeks old now, and I am thoroughly enjoying my “maternity leave”. I am also so relieved to no longer be pregnant.

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You see, during this pregnancy, out of shame, I kept a deep, dark secret…..I was struggling with depression and anxiety.

In fact, when I started this blog back in late October, it was largely motivated by my need to channel negative energy into something productive and distract myself from the fact that I was pregnant and emotionally, or perhaps hormonally,  a bit messed up.

Antepartum depression is no joke, folks. Given the fact you are pregnant and serving as an incubator for your unborn child, it is challenging to treat with medical intervention. Throw in the guilt for feeling such “inappropriate” emotions at what should be such a joyous time, and my depression was only compounded.

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The strange fact of the matter is that Rivers was not an “oops” baby. We weren’t actively trying to conceive, but we weren’t “not trying” either.

I remember being super excited when I saw the faint positive on my pregnancy test. Then, over the course of a few weeks,  something went awry….

I became sad and withdrawn from the world. I kept waiting for that rush of excitement to rescue me from my depression, but it never came.  Unlike my first pregnancy, I never felt “connected” to my baby and was, in fact,  terrified of how a second child would change my life. I doubted that I possessed the capacity to love another child as much as I loved my first. It then became a vicious cycle of guilt and depression.

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Through exercise, prayer,  Vitamin-B IV therapy (administered under a doctor’s supervision) and this blog, I was able to somewhat manage my dirty little secret yet it lingered the full duration of my pregnancy.

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But the most beautiful thing happened when I held  Rivers for the first time….an enormous flood of love washed over me and I knew everything was going to be alright. Delivering my baby was a catharsis of sorts- the dark cloud had been lifted and I was  overwhelmed with relief, joy and most importantly, love.

God has blessed me with two healthy, adorable boys and I could not be more thrilled.  It is funny to think that I even questioned my ability to love a second child, and I am actually enjoying the newborn phase so much more the second time around.

I am more secure with my abilities as a mother. I know what works for ME and MY family, and don’t pay much mind to the opinions of others.

And yes, I have even had the pleasure of indulging in a few margaritas! I am relieved to say the cloud of depression has lifted and I am rocking this thing called parenthood. I  cannot wait to resume all of my interior design and home improvement endeavors, but for now, I am savoring every delicious, and chaotic,  moment of my life with a newborn and a two year old.

Now get out there and design some good vibes!! Much love to you all.

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22 Comments
    1. So happy you are back, congrat’s you baby boy he is just beautiful! I get what you went through, it is soooo hard! I remember thinking the exact same thing and the guilt I felt for baby #1 and then they arrive and all is OK 🙂 (then we had three an no guilt) funny how all that changes. Enjoy every minute and hope you get to sleep a little. xo

      1. Kristin, this makes me feel so much better to know that I am not the only one who went through this. Thank you so much for the love!!!! 🙂

    1. Erica I seriously loved this! Your honesty and vulnerability are beautiful and I cannot thank you enough for being brave enough to put such truth out there. You are amazing momma and I am so excited for you!!

      1. Tessa,
        I was inspired by you!!!! I loved your bravery in the post you did and felt compelled to be honest with my readers. Thanks for motivating me to be a better, more honest writer. Much Love and congrats on your gorgeous baby girl!!!!

    1. Congratulations! He is an absolute doll. So thankful you were able to overcome your depression and find joy through your little boy! May God continue to bless you and your family immensely!

    1. Erica you are a super star! You juggle all the elements of your life and make it look easy. I am glad you broke through this blue time in your life. The roller coaster gets scary sometimes, but you are amazing and ups do follow the downs. Ride with confidence my beautiful niece!

      1. Susan, You just made me cry!!! You have no idea how much your support means to me. Thank you for always cheering me on!! You are so amazing.

    1. Erica, So happy you have a healthy sweetie, now making two! I can’t wait to see you around the neighborhood with your special little guys.

    1. Erica, I’m happy there is a happy ending to your story. As a mother to a daughter whose depression is managed (somewhat) by meds, I understand that it’s not something you can easily conquer. It looks like your beautiful baby (+ margaritas) helped do just that. As you adjust to your new normal, always remind yourself that you have a gift. Not only are your design skills amaze balls, but your sharing of your experience is bound to help others. Congrats, new mama!

    1. I’m so sorry to hear that you were struggling, but I’m happy to hear you’re doing better now! Take care if yourself and those sweet boys… and congratulations!!

    1. Honey, you are NOT alone…..and creative people, I think, deal more with this than the average person, as an observation…….:)

      1. Thanks, Nikki. I agree with you…I have struggled with depression my whole life and I do notice creative individuals sharing their emotional struggles as well. Much Love! 🙂

    1. Sending you big hugs, Erica. I’m sorry to hear of your recent struggles and am so glad to hear that you are doing well now and enjoying that sweet baby boy of yours. Xo

    1. Erica I can totally relate. I got PND with my first and then fell pregnant when he was 6 months old. I gave birth to my second only 2 days after my first had turned 16 months… he wasn’t even a year and a half! I felt so guilty and I also wondered if I could love another the way I loved him. I loved my second instantly but I struggled to connect for a few weeks. Depression and anxiety are hard and life draining and I’m glad you’re out of it. I was so glad when I say the “light” again and things because great. there will be very hard days ahead with two little ones but just keep reminding yourself of this “tomorrow is a new day”. You can always start fresh tomorrow if today isn’t a great day. xxx

      1. Being a mother to 2 little ones is such a roller coaster isnt it, Maria? I have my good days and I have my “batshit crazy” days. haha I cannot imagine how challenging it is for you to have your babies so close in age, but you are rockin’ it!!! Much love to you!

    1. Congratulations Erika!!! He’s adorable! Thank you so much for displaying such courage in your post, I know many women will relate. Bravo! And yes, enjoy every minute of this crazy, full time!
      xx
      Neelam
      http://patternsandprosecco.com/

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